The Stone That Was Rolled Away
I hit a new level of “bottom” tonight, in a way that reminded me of Elizabeth Gilbert’s description of her darkest moments at the beginning of her book, Eat, Pray, Love. But it wasn’t the bad news I’d received that devastated me. It was the undeniable realization that, once again, and we’re talking a matter of weeks this time, I was giving more time and attention to matters that are less important than my family. This is a theme that has visited me for a few good months, now, and it’s been deeply painful with each awareness.
During my late-night shower, out of nowhere, an inner voice said, clear as day, “I release you from having to take care of me.”
I was intrigued and wanted to continue the conversation. ”Who is speaking? What do you want?” That’s where the image of the stone being rolled away from Jesus’ tomb came in, and as I reflected on the words, “I release *you* from having to take care of me,” my reflections around the “you” turned out to be a really long list.
- I release my friends from the jagged dynamic of my wanting them to reassure me that we’re “ok.”
- I release my family from the role I play around our habitual expectations of each other and our special occasions.
- I release my children from my intense shaming and blaming, implicating them as the causes of examples of my problems and shortcomings, particularly around issues of time and social constructs.
- I release myself from shame, self-blame, and unrealistic, outdated expectations of myself and of those around me.
Now, I’m no theologian, but it occurs to me that the heavy stone that mysteriously rolled away from Jesus’ tomb could have been an inside job, which I find inspiring, as some of these releases listed above are being energized and activated from within me.
But the idea of it being rolled away from the outside feels pretty powerful, too. Grace-filled, God-fueled. Answers and support around fervent (or sometimes unasked) prayers.
I feel like my bottoming out tonight has helped to release the old energy and to free my spirit to embrace the most important, precious beings in my life. There are some close seconds, but no other firsts.
A huge stone has been rolled away from deep inside of me.
I honor and cherish this freedom to liberate others from my chains of habit and insecurity, and to celebrate the brighter light and highest self that can reside in their place.
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One Response to “The Stone That Was Rolled Away”
Wow Erica! I cannot tell you how much I relate to this and have gone through the same thing. I have also found that this happens most in the shower or water. Water is so cleansing and takes us back to where we started…at our purest state, in our mother’s womb (although not water). Thank you for sharing your experience.
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